I often find that people who are unable to talk about themselves, may not reflect enough. Some say, I can talk about myself too easily, but after publishing a book with over 400 pages of different situations and events I’ve felt or been through, suppose it takes the edge off.
Truthfully, even after 400 pages and a public website, I am still one of the most private people you’ll ever meet. I have walls bigger than the Great Wall of China, and it’s rare to see the other side of it. However, I’ve been told, when a wall goes down or I let you in, it’s a whole other world.
Secretly, someone is nodding their head right now going, that’s me. I have walls but I’m a great person once your inside. Are you a great person on both sides of the walls will be my question.
We are all humans and we all go through various challenges in our life time. What I may find to be a difficult time, may be laughable to someone else. Then there is the saying that no matter what you’re going through, someone else could have it worse than you.
Example, I remember when I was having a melt down last Nov, while deciding to eat some toast bread. I then realized people in the world, don’t even have bread. I was being an ungrateful human being. So I decided I’d forcefully eat the food I no longer wanted, to then go roll around in my bed and throw myself a pity party. That, only led me to break down further, because people in this world don’t have a bed to roll around in feeling sorry for themselves.
I share my words with you today on this randomly (not my daily style of posts) because just shy of a year ago, my life changed. I went down the rabbit hole of bullshit, after bullshit and mentally threw myself so far down in that rabbit hole, I actually wasn’t sure I was going to climb out.
Today, I won’t share my full story, but I will say, that I was told my health/life was at risk and begun certain treatments while they test. To then learn it was false, I’d be okay. I did end up with a horrible, painful infection and was restricted from working out for two months but after finding out my life was going to be okay… I entered my 26th birthday high on anxiety medication, unsure if I even wanted to wake up the next day.
Told I have life = mentally spinning out of control
Literally, told I’ll be okay, smile = cries for 6 months straight and has panic attacks daily
It was in the moment that everything I had been through (my challenges), all the things I tucked under the rug… blew up in my mind, my body, and my soul. I felt weak and in able to have a will for anything. Meanwhile, no one had a damn clue what I was going through.
Mental health is never discussed enough. It’s like trying to ask your friend to borrow money kind of topic. I have zero shame, in admitting I’ve looked myself in the mirror asking, what’s wrong with you bud? You become scared of yourself, so imagine trying to reach out for help. Imagine someone trying to ask you for money, knowing how uncomfortable that is alone and times that by 50.
Challenges, is going to become one of my newest tabs next to Second Chances, and Love Notes. For years on and off, I had battled eating disorders, sever depression, panic attacks, obsessive compulsion disorder, and the ability to say, I am worthy.
My book Second Chances, released in June, was my first stepping stone to sharing my story and letting people know they are not alone. Most times, it’s a challenge within ourselves, we don’t even understand. You can’t put a finger on it and you just scream, WHY?!!! So, I hear you. For almost 10 months, I was on life vacation, when really… I was on a me vacation. Finding a way to love yourself despite all your past events and the unforeseen future, is vital in every aspect.
I’ll reach out again soon.
J. Saunders xo