Reflection

I’m an over thinker, hard reflector.

2018 isn’t done yet so I’m nearly fearful to write a reflection so soon, however, I feel my lessons have become accountable and I can close 2018 knowing my heart has had good intentions.
This year, feels like the year of the people. A clear view of the type of people I want in my life, people I deserve and more than anything, people who feel the same way about me.
If there is one thing I can truly say, it is that I will never allow someone to hang off my words or presence, if I do not intend to be in their life.
Maybe, it’s a respect concept I hold to myself but lately, all people talk about is wanting trust and honesty, since they’ve been turned on and here, they are doing the same thing to me.
Makes no sense.

2018… the year I witness it all. My heart in pieces, my friendships tested, my family torn, loved ones lost, lovers’ betrayal, business losses, public shootings, my health in question and the truth sneaking from the cracks. It is clear why I have more material to write more than ever.

Somehow… I find myself closer to nothing. To have this stronger belief in faith, when I’m someone who believes in hope. Maybe in ways, these were the best ways for God, to remind me of a presence I had forgotten or since tested. Three public shootings, two car accidents and my panic attacks only getting worse from the stress of everyone around me.

You never know what you have until it’s gone.
The oldest, most repeated cliché ever, the most truthful.
I’d like to believe I’m not a force to be reckoned with. The same way, I do my best to remain peaceful. I avoid confrontation, and accept faults that may not be my own. I believe in forgiveness and trying again. I’ve had people walk all over me due to my kind ways. Men lie and use me. Women betray me. This year, I told myself I’d have a strong stance and found myself falling daily. The fights I used to avoid, I begun fighting within myself. The words I never said, I begun saying them to myself. The stress people would point fingers at, I begun pointing at myself. I did this, I know. I care too much and love too freely.
I give more chances then people deserve. I know this. I have faults and flaws.

Enough is enough. To put me in a corner and be dismissed time and time again, I rebel.
I’m not petty nor aggressive, I’m simply responding. The day I treat other’s the way they’ve treated me, I would be punished. I believe in karma, and my soul would be tainted by the way I’d have to respond. Not even confession could help me. To the ones I’ve loved and lost in 2018, you’re missed, my hearts heavy but I had to move on.

2018, the year of growth, changes, spiritual development, goal stretching, eliminating all the toxic people, places and things; to enter 2019 ready, arms locked with those you love and love you, ready to move forward into a happy, successful life. Amen, to loving yourself and standing up, one more day.

Jess Saunders

 

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